Digital Age - A Civics Assignment

Recently I had to do a report in Civics on the political party we tested into. I decided to be a dick and ended up writing this. Although, when I think about it, it probably makes the most sense I've heard in politics ever. Keep in mind this is a humor article, not a bible of my political beliefs.

POLITICS AND YOU

You may be surprised as to what political party you test into, since many simply believe they belong to a certain party without researching it. Well, I can say that wholeheartedly, we as a democratic society are able to freely choose among a myriad of parties with varying beliefs. Why is it then, that we are only allowed to pick between the right and left? There are other ways to go, like up and down, or erratically backwards, like North Korea.

But that’s just me.

I recently took a test that placed me in the Democratic party, but only slightly. But whether I was put in it by a single point or twenty points, it still labels me as a Democrat. I got an 18, which puts my closest to Colin Powell. Since said test put me in the Democratic Party, I am obligated to whine and complain about being so closely related to a Republican, even though he is a moderate, I shan’t look past the ‘Republican’ Label and dismiss him just like that, because they’d do the same to me.

I say this because I’m really upset that people can’t just unify. It’s been a good several hundred years since George Washington put multiple parties in his cabinet, which I consider to be a really good move. But enough of what I think, I got to finish this assignment so I can go to sleep.

Some of the core beliefs of the Democratic Party include: forbidding women to vote, enforcing slavery, and oppressing free speech. (I got that from the Republican Party site. See what I mean about their bickering?) However, on the actual Democratic party site, which we can totally trust, seeing how everything printed on the internet, and in politics especially, is 100% true, includes halving the Federal Deficit by 2009. Call me skeptical when I say that I doubt that’ll happen, just because of the current state of affairs. They are against racial profiling in the war on terror. I would totally agree with this, but this random check thing is just going too far. Last time I was in Arizona, I saw a girl no older than 9 get pulled out of the security line at the airport because of, quote: “suspicious behavior”. All I’m saying is that while racial profiling is wrong, these guys should use common sense when pulling people out of line. Like, if a guy has a one-way ticket that he just bought, and he’s twitching and carrying a suitcase full of old scriptures and holy books, you might want to check him. Not the kid who’s eating a Burger King Breakfast and looks like she goes to a private, exceedingly expensive school.

The Democratic Party also supports gun-control. Interestingly enough, this also ties in with a case I am directly affected by, coming from that horrible, horrible beast that is Hillary Clinton, and her mouthing off to the videogame industry saying we need to protect our children from pornographic content in games, like the Hot Coffee Mod in Rockstar’s “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.” (Interestingly enough, SCEA’s “God of War” game had full-frontal nudity in the actual game, yet received no attention by the Senate.) During this case, attorney Jack Thompson (R) and senator Hillary Clinton (D) succeeding in dumbing down the collective intelligence of society, a feat I was bewildered as even being possible. What she and Jack Thompson failed to mention, however, was that it took hours and hours of VERY well-timed gameplay, AND an unauthorized patch made by some guy in his basement who had no affiliation to Rockstar AT ALL, to get access to the Hot Coffee scene, which had no visible nudity in it, completely ignoring the fact that any CHILD who could pull this off should receive a damn medal. Besides, the game is rated “M”, and the only way anyone under the age of 17 could obtain the game is if the parents bought it for them, and now Jack Thompson is blaming the entire video game industry, completely ignoring the fact that some of the game’s he’s targeting, like “The Sims 2”, and calling all gamers “potheads” and “on crack” make him sound like a completely insane raving lunatic. I would approve if he got the hepatitis alphabet. I don’t mean to sound evil, but oh wait, yes I do. He deserves it.

Because of these two people alone I WANT to dismiss both parties as possibilities because I in no way want to be affiliated with either of those two morons. I’ll consider it again when they are both gone and nobody remembers the scandal anymore. Until then, I am forced to be put under the Republican Party since that’s the only choice available.

But when it comes down to it, having such a linear graph for measuring your political views is pretty messed up. Two people cannot be compared to each other, even if they’re twins. They’re just different, and no two people will agree on everything. Being compared to Colin Powell, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to make of that. Would he be the best candidate to go to lunch with at Fat Tony’s Pizzeria on 24th Street? I don’t know, and neither do you, nor anybody else on the planet.

As such, I’m going to make my own political party, and register to vote in it. It will be called the “Awesome Party”, and we’ll have free beer and pizza Fridays. Why? Because that will promote my party, and eventually I’ll run for President, Split the cabinet evenly between the three parties, listen to what everyone has to say, and shoot anyone who bickers across the table with a paintball gun in the forehead, because complaining is not how problems get solved, it’s how they start, and I won’t have any of it. It’s childish, pointless, and ends up going nowhere. I’d even do that fireside chat thing that FDR did, because that was leet.